


between our wars

by shadoedseptmbr



Series: L'essai Et Repose [10]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alchera, F/M, Terra Nova - Freeform, Things Fall Apart - Freeform, between the games, fraternization regs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27015163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadoedseptmbr/pseuds/shadoedseptmbr
Summary: Things changed, after Sovereign.  After a stolen moment of shore leave.  How could they not?
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: L'essai Et Repose [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937545
Comments: 8
Kudos: 20





	between our wars

It all changed. After Sovereign. After a stolen scrap of shore leave. 

It had to.

They weren't mutineers anymore, it wasn’t life or death. The crew and Pressly had turned a blind eye to fraternizing when they were racing a bullet, but after? Neither she nor Kaidan had been willing to risk pushing the subject. Not when the Normandy was shifting under their feet as they delved into the Terminus systems, hunting Geth.

They’d picked up new crew after the main debrief at Arcturus, a couple of marines to fill out a squad.

Garrus asked for a break to try and mend fences with his dad, so they’d dropped him off at the Citadel before Udina’s investiture. He’d promised to catch up with them next time they stopped for supplies.

Wrex had pounded her (not dislocated) shoulder, tapped her skull with his (minor concussion, no fracture, Chakwas reported later), packed up his dad’s armor and gone home to Tuchanka, with an invitation to come look him up if things got exciting, again. 

Tali had stayed but she was dithering. She had more data than she could remember anyone bringing back from a Pilgrimage but every minute she spent on the Normandy seemed precious. She spent as much time plowing through geth drives as she did helping Adams fine tune the refits on the Normandy. 

Liara stayed. Ostensibly to catalog the bits and pieces of Prothean data they’d scanned from Ilos and Feros. But more and more, she’d chuck them aside into bins, stacked in the corner of her room. None of it was new, none of it as useful as what Shepard carried in her skull. More and more, she was following trails of information only coming up for air to impart a possible site she’d pried out of some ancient asari database.

The two new Marines; Gunnery Sergeant Emerson, a tall, rangy colony kid and solid, square Corporal Bakari were good at their jobs, easy going and willing to be part of the crew. But they hadn’t been at Virmire or Feros and while the camaraderie of the Normandy crew was compelling, it was easy for them to side eye the closeness of the Commander and her Staff LT. 

Maybe there were rumors floating around HQ.

So - they were careful. Coffee in the mess, sessions in the armory to do gun checks were routine, after all. Kaidan -when he wasn’t making adjustments to their armor software, to the heads up displays- kept a poker game going in the off hours. It kept the crew in good spirits as the mission to the Terminus faded into long, boring stretches of dark space and planets blasted back to rock in long ago cycles. As their families asked questions about things they couldn’t talk about that started to feel less real the farther they got from Citadel space. He and Joker picked up the mental strategy game they'd started before Virmire, clicking in on quiet moments to move imaginary troops from beach to hill. He'd patched her in, just to chat with them but she'd cut it off. 

Too much temptation to just ping him to talk, listen to him ramble.

Shepard avoided the poker game, too. “Not a great idea for the Commander to take money from the enlisted kids and it's kind of hard not to hustle, once you learn how.” she’d shrugged, trying to get them -all of them- back on non-fraternization ground. Reminding herself it was a crew. Not a family.

Instead, she rotated through the ship, checking on tiny improvements to data streams, weapon function, shield emitters. She obsessed over the new resource scanner they’d installed on the MAKO. She ran simulations in the shuttle bay, what if scenarios based on missions to bring Emerson and Bakari up to mark. She observed as Pressly barked the CIC squad through their paces in obscure star charts Liara bought from a source on Illium. 

They’d grab lunch on their way through the mess. Maybe they’d sit a little closer than was prudent. Maybe a brushed shoulder. He bit his tongue on her name and tried not to resent being left behind on ground missions while she trained up the recruits. She called him LT and tried not to miss him calling her Aedan.

Three weeks after they’d left the Citadel, he’d passed her on the way down to Chakwas, in the stairwell. Aedan had paused at his shoulder, huffed a tiny, frustrated sigh and leaned into him. 

“I know I agreed to this, but I miss you,” he whispered and she’d let her arm curve around his waist. He was warm and she was feeling colder by the minute, it seemed. She took a deep breath, the faintest fragrance of his hair gel and the slightly acrid ship’s soap from his morning shower. The scent of unscented shaving cream. Just Kaidan. 

“Me too.” The whine of the door to the CIC jarred them apart and when Pressly trotted down the stairs, the commander was already halfway up the other stairwell and Kaidan had his feet planted on the crew deck.

o-o-o-o

The stalker bounced between them and she whirled to take the shot Kaidan set up with a neatly executed pull. Behind them, the last shock trooper clattered into a heap as Tali and Bakari used a mirroring trick, her overload cancelling its shields with a squeal.  
Six geth, none of them more complicated than the stalker. A small climate influence hub on a rock with no atmosphere. 

A week’s hunt in this system and that was all they had to show for it. Aedan managed not to stomp her way back to the divot they’d ditched the tank in, but she couldn’t quite stop herself from slamming her fist against the hatch before anyone could see her.

The ride back in the MAKO was quiet, just the sound of Kaidan going over the datastream from the fight and Bakari dry brushing some char from his Lancer as they bounced across the asteroid’s surface . 

Tali asked as they cleared the ridge to the pick up point, “Is it just me, or are these geth we’ve found not as in sync as before?” 

Kaidan shook his head, “Not just you. There’s something different about their link. Quieter, too. Not so...chatty?”

“There’s a scientific term if i ever heard one. You think Sovereign was giving ‘em a boost of some sort?” Shepard asked over her shoulder as she bounced the tank around a crack in the planet’s rough surface. 

“I think it’s...possible.” Tali drew out the last word, thoughtfully.

“Please don’t make me consider AI indoctrination before dinner, Tali. I don’t think you’re wrong, I just don’t wanna think about it.” Shepard didn’t quite beg before she reported. “Joker, we’re a click out.”

_“Aye, ma’am. Bay is clear.”_

Kaidan pressed on, “If the geth really are different, now, could that mean...was Sovereign all there was?” Aedan could feel Bakari’s raised eyebrow in the prickle on her neck. Neither of the new marines was quite sure what to make of the Normandy crew’s insistence on naming the dreadnought.

“That’s not what the visions show. They show hundreds, thousands...just like a damned cloud of locusts coming down on Egypt.” She could close her eyes and it would flash against her eyelids.

“That _was_ 50,000 years ago. Maybe...maybe by beating Sovereign...”

“Kaidan, if i wanted to hear someone tell me I was crazy I’d just call up the Council, again.” 

He answered quietly, “That’s not what I’m saying, Shepard.” 

She glanced back. “Good.” Bakari was focused hard on his thermal port. “Got a problem there, Corporal?”

“No, ma’am. Just some heat damage. I let it overcook.” 

“Gotta watch that. Half of living through a fire fight is knowing when to let things sit and cool off, especially when it’s tight. That’s why we pack alternate methods of persuasion, instead of just our favorites.” 

“10-4, Commander. Won’t happen again.”

O-o-o-o

“I wasn’t trying to...It came out wrong.”

“I know.” The report, such as it was, was finished and he’d just sent it off as she slouched into the Mess, letting her bowl clatter to the brushed aluminum tabletop. For once, it was just them, the rest of the crew hard at work or tucked into pods and Bakari down in the shuttle bay with Emerson, tearing apart his melted heat release.

Kaidan was standing just behind her, with his back to the crew area. She could, very carefully, lean her head against his hip. It wouldn’t look like anything to anyone from this angle and they had plenty of warning. “Maybe I need to let Liara poke around my skull again, see if she can rattle up some new direction.”

“Hmm. Did she offer?” She could hear the frown in his voice, the way the warm tones fell chilly.

“mh um. No. I imagine my head is as much fun for her as it is for me, most days. Don’t like that idea?” She looked up at him, though she pretty much just got the angle of his jaw from here, as he kept an eye on the approaches. It was a spectacular jaw, though. 

“Not particularly”. He brushed a thumb along her shoulder, into her hair.

“She’s not going to find anything in there you need to worry about.” She teased, lightly.

Kaidan huffed a laugh. “I’m not worried about that. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. You don't sleep after she does it, you’re wired for days.”

“I’m sleeping okay. Beacon dreams seem to have settled down.”

“I hate to see that change, for no reason.” He slid into the chair across from her and put his foot on top of the one she’d been using to kick the leg of the table, “Hey, relax. Talk to me for a minute.”

She bounced her toes against his boot, instead. “What are the options then? Just keep picking off the geth? There’s nothing out here, Kaidan, it’s just empty rocks. Tali isn’t even getting new data from the debris.”

“There’s bound to be some pattern to why the geth lodge into certain planets; we just need to keep digging.” he laid a little extra pressure on her restless boot. "Eat."

“I guess.” She frowned down into the plate of rice and cheese she’d been carving tracks into and took a bite. 

“At least the news feeds seem to like it when we take out another Destroyer or two.”

She smirked around her spoonful and swallowed. “Well, you know how much I just _thrive_ on good press.”

Kaidan slid his foot back and Aedan leaned away as Chase asked from behind them, “We’re getting good press?” She grabbed a tray from the counter and started ladling out curry. She paused, just before the sauce hit her plate, checked the label and then set the ladle back before moving on to the levo pot. 

“Only on Earth. The Citadel network keeps asking why I’m focusing on a defeated enemy.”

“Ah, stuff ‘em, Commander. They’ve gone back to forgetting they’re sitting ducks out there if we aren’t there to have their backs.”

“Do ducks sit a lot?” Tali had come in from the elevator. “Ducks are birds, right?”

“Swimmy birds, yeah. They float more, I think.” Chase shrugged with a laugh,”I dunno. City kid, only ducks I ever saw were at the park. They mostly just chased us for not feeding them.” Addison grinned at the other two Earth kids. 

“Don’t ask me, the only duck I ever saw where I grew up came glazed with pancakes from a street cart.” Aedan chuckled. "And was probably actually pigeon."

“They fly, too. Not sure where the saying came from. Maybe I should do a slide show, Earth creatures, their idioms, and their habitats, for the next movie night?” Kaidan shot them a sly smile, sending Tali into a chittering laugh.

“Save it for when Garrus comes back. He was forever texting me, asking if I knew what any of you were talking about when it came to those sorts of things.”

O-o-o-o-  


“Message from HQ, Commander. Patching it through to the Comm Room.”  


Shepard checked her forward advance through the CIC and spun on her heel. “Thanks, Joker.”  


“Shepard. We’ve received your latest report on the Geth. It’s pretty clear we need to rethink our current direction in the Terminus System.”  


“I don’t think you’re wrong, sir.” Shepard nodded. “We’ve come to the same conclusion. Dr. T’Soni is gathering some leads on Prothean worlds that haven’t been excavated in recent centuries. She’s hoping…”  


“Hold off on that.” Hackett’s image blurred for a moment. “Commander, I want you to think about the next step to this. I don’t anticipate taking the Normandy from you, right now. But she’s still an Alliance cruiser and there are expectations on how we use that resource. Adams belongs on our most advanced ship until he’s tired of flying. Pressley will finish his career on the Normandy. I don’t think anyone but Moreau could fly her. But what about the rest of them?”  


Aedan nodded. She’d been expecting this to come up, especially as the Alliance dealt with the fallout from the Battle of the Citadel and the loss of well-trained, experienced crew. “Lieutenant Chase is ready for her own pilot seat, she’s gotten all she’s going to get from Flight Lieutenant Moreau without her hands on the stick, especially if we’re thinking about building more Normandy style ships. Grenado is ready for an advance, maybe two others in engineering. Adams can use this time we’re bouncing in the Terminus to train up a new team.”  


There was a pause as Hackett handed off a pad to his yeoman. Aedan felt the hair on her neck raise in warning right before Hackett continued. “What about Staff Lieutenant Alenko? Is he at his top rank, ready to sit in your shadow or does he have capability to grow? You’ve indicated his potential in your reports but I want to hear it from you, Commander.”  


_Fuck._ “ Sir, Alenko’s one of the best tactical minds I’ve met. He makes for a solid center to a squad and has a good eye for positioning. His tech knowledge rivals my engineers and he absorbs new information quickly with an excellent grasp for how to take advantage. His reports are always better than mine, better detail. He’s got an eye for how things fit.”  


Hackett nodded. “Anderson thought so, too. You figure he’s a big picture guy?”  


“Definitely. I know for a lot of people the biotics are a drawback, but, sir…”  


“I’m not one of them, Commander.” She could hear the warning in his tone and she nodded, eyes fixed just over his holographic shoulder. “There are places we could use him. There are places he could lead. I don't have to tell you, Shepard, the next steps we take are crucial to how we handle what may be coming. I can't have all of my good eggs in one basket. Do you understand what I mean?”  


“Yes, sir.” _yeah. She really did._  


“Think about it. He’s earned a good reputation off of this and a commendation. But if it stagnates too long, the longer it feels like he’s out of Alliance reach as a Spectre’s second, it’ll be harder to promote him.”  


“No, I understand, sir. I see where you’re coming from. I absolutely would not want to stand in the way of a promising an officer as Lieutenant Alenko.”  


He turned to listen to someone over his shoulder and she could tell the call was over, his attention bleeding off. “I figured you'd see it that way, Commander. Anderson always told me you had a good eye for talent. I want a list and report on the crew you think need to move on.”  


“By tomorrow, sir.” She waited a full minute after Hackett cut the call to let her posture collapse.  


Aedan had squared away her face by the time she left the comm room. Write the report, first. She couldn’t, by reg, tell Kaidan that Hackett had asked about his prospects.  


She couldn’t _not_ tell him that she’d just guaranteed -recommended- his reassignment. She was new to this relationship business, but she wasn’t stupid. Still, she had to write the report first. Who knew, maybe the lead on Prothean ruins from one of Liara’s new sources would pan out. Another beacon, maybe but definitely some sort of data collection. Maybe the right information would mean she could keep her crew, her...keep Kaidan in place for another mission.  


Just a while longer.  


o-o-o-o  


She’d just given Joker the coordinates for Liara’s latest find in the Shrike Abyssal when Hackett had called in with an emergency situation on Terra Nova. She’d hesitated when he added, “This is an Alliance mission, Commander. Do you understand?”  


She had. Tali and Liara were to stay aboard ship. One more sign that her squad wasn’t what the Alliance had intended when they gained the first human Spectre and that her leash was getting shorter. Garrus and Wrex had been one thing, both with service records and, in Garrus’ case, clearance. Tali and Liara were weights on the system instead of assets in military terms, no matter how much they contributed in actual service, no matter how often the two aliens had saved their asses.  


She pinged the ship comm, “Alenko, Emerson, Bakari grab your gear, prepare for ground mission. I’ll be down with details in fifteen. Joker, emergency coordinates coming in. Negulesco, I’m gonna need detailed scans of the colony of Terra Nova and an asteroid in orbit, in ten. Hit the gas on this one, folks.”  


o-o-o-o

She’d ignored the Chief’s plea to look for his people after they’d found the first by accident, the envirosuit faceplate blown out. Batarians weren’t known for their tendency to leave survivors. They had managed to restore power to the transmission tower, Kaidan’s fingers flying over the interface as Aedan counted down his allotted time. The fusion torches were priority as Terra Nova loomed above them. “Give me five more minutes, Commander.”  


“You’ve got two, Lieutenant.” Her fingers tapped the control panel, watching her comm indicator impatiently. She saw his fist clench and knew he'd gotten it cracked. “C’mon, c’mon! I’m going on to the next torch whether you’re in the tank or not, LT!”  


“I got it, I got it.” He slid through the open hatch and she peeled out down the cliffside. Emerson held Kaidan in place as he strapped in just in time to not crack his head as the ground dropped beneath him.  


“Corporal, you got the mine defusion program Tali was sending you?” He'd shown some talent for explosives and defuze in training. No time like the present for real time practice.  


“Yes, ma’am.”  


“Cue it up, we’re on foot as soon as we hit those big guns. Lieutenant, call the Chief, let him know he’s got comms if he wants to look for his people while we’ve got the batarians distracted.”  


They’d picked their way carefully through the minefield to the last torch. The batarian commando in the facility had tossed his gun to the ground two seconds after she’d bypassed the door.  


“We’re done, human. If I give you the bypass code into the main facility and the defuze command for the bombs, will you let us go?”  


She glanced over the batarian squad. They weren’t in any shape to keep fighting; even the leashed varren looked tired. “Give me a reason to trust you. I’ve got dead engineers all over this rock that tell me I shouldn’t.”  


The batarian shrugged. “I’m no mass murderer. Balak’s lost his mind.”  


“Not a murderer, just a slaver.” Emerson muttered behind her. 

Colony kid would know from slavers. But, the five minutes she saved by not needing to bypass an alien code might be enough to…“Got a deal. If I see you anywhere near Alliance space…”  


“Yeah, I know. I’m retiring, human. We’ve started a colony of our own on the other side of the galaxy.” He shrugged as he led the remainder of his squad out of the door.  


“Good luck, I guess.” The codes pinged to her omni and she transferred the bomb commands to Kaidan and Bakari. “Okay, let’s go.” She clicked her comm as they hauled back to the MAKO, “Kate, we’re on our way. Hang on for me, just a little longer, okay?”  


o-o-o-o  


It took her a moment, staring out the door after Balak, to bring herself down from fight mode. She had almost shot him as he left.  


Beside her, Kaidan shifted. “Commander? The hostages?”  


Aedan shook herself. “Yeah. Split up, two and two. Let’s find their hidey hole.”  


She’d stoically allowed Ms. Bowman to thank her, full on Darling of the Alliance face in place. “I wasn’t going to let you die, ma’am. Not if I had any choice, that’s not what the Alliance does.”  


“But he’s dangerous, isn’t he?”  


“Yes, ma’am. But you knew it was dangerous when you came out here. Is it worth it, to make a new home?”  


“Well, my brother always thought so. I’ll have to make it worth it.”  


Her squad was exhausted. Her bad shoulder throbbed and the taste of old wiring lingered in her mouth from the sabotage one of Balak’s engineers had dug in under her firewall. She could almost see Kaidan’s head starting to ache, the way his shoulders were pulling in his light armor. Bakari was still limping from the blast he’d taken on the second torch from a sniper, despite Kaidan’s medigel field patch. His suit was going to need replacing, that seal was shot.  


Emerson was quiet, too. Aedan waited for his question.

“Did we have to let him go, Commander?” It wasn’t second guessing, Emerson honestly wanted to know, Aedan could tell from the hesitant way he asked.  


“If there was another way, Sergeant, I’d like to hear it. His crew turned on him, we kept most of the scientists alive, and stopped the asteroid. We’ve got Balak’s name and facial data to put out on galactic watch lists, so he won’t be operating in Citadel space, at least.”  


“Sometimes the win is conditional, ma’am?”  


“Sometimes bad wins are all you get, Gunny. I’ve learned the hard way not to ask for much more.”  


Before, if it had been Ash in Emerson’s seat or Garrus in Bakari’s, Kaidan would have tapped her shoulder, squeezed her arm. He’d have acted on the hollow resignation in her reply. Or the barely restrained anger, when she added, “I won’t forget his face.”  


“No, ma’am.” Emerson agreed. “Me, either.”  


o-o-o-o  


She was still peeling out of her armor, when the Council called.

Shepard filled them in on their hopes for the Prothean dig site and the situation with the Batarian terrorist. “The colony is safe for the moment, but I think we have to be concerned that the Batarians have stepped up their attacks, suddenly.”

Valern nodded, “We appreciate your attention to the human colony, Commander. It would have been unfortunate to lose more humans so soon after the Alliance lost so many ships.” 

“Ma’am.” Blandly. She wasn’t going to let the councilor bait her, this time.

Sparatus continued, “Commander, we know you’ve given this your best effort but perhaps it’s time to take a step back. It has been a very hectic six months since you were made a Spectre. We have other priorities, now that the Geth have been subdued and it may be time for you to look into your next assignment. For the Council.”

So much for bland. “Absolutely, Councilor. Let me...wait. Hmm.” She paused and fiddled with the haptic interface before growling, “Joker, the connection is janky, can you...” And the comm fizzled on cue. 

“We just going to do that everytime they put you off, Commander?”

“I don’t know what the hell else to do. I’d take orders if they’d give good ones, Joker.” _Should have let them die, probably._ Maybe a couple of Councilors who owed her their position would have better sense to listen.

“I know, Commander.” the comm went quiet for a minute, before Joker came back. “Um...hey, Shepard? The connection just pinged again. You want to ignore it?”

Aedan rubbed her shoulder. The arm she’d broken at the Citadel was healed but the sniper rifle still set it aching if she wasn’t careful. “Let ‘em through.” She’d bite her tongue in half, if she had to.

It was only the asari, Telora, this time. “Shepard, the others are gone. I do have one thing to share with you from a...private source. I know your orders from the Alliance are sending you back out to hunt Geth. Commander, I’ve heard rumors of a new heavy dreadnought operating in the outer reach of the Terminus systems, most recently in the Amada system.”

“A Reaper? You didn’t think…”

“There’s no reason to make assumptions, Commander.” Telora replied, sharply. “What the ship may or may not be isn’t clear. It’s only a rumor of a large ship of unknown design. No one has had more than a glimpse but it does seem to be following known Geth locations.”

“It can’t hurt to check it out. Thanks, Councilor.” Shepard added, sincerely.

The asari nodded, gracefully. “It’s my pleasure, Commander. Good hunting.”

Preliminary sweeps of the planets of the Amada system showed little of interest. They’d gotten enough probe info off of Alchera to know it was just snow and chemical soup pinging the sensors but there were some promising resource hits. It would be a good run through for the new scanning software she’d added to the MAKO and there was no reason not to flag those for the next Alliance cruise before winging off to the more promising system next door.

The impending transfers hung over her like mosquitos, sapping her enthusiasm for the new tech.

She’d been putting it off. But it had been a week since she sent off the requested report. It wouldn’t be right to drop it on his head. The others might take their transfers well. She knew Addison was itching for her own ship, instead of being Joker’s relief. 

But Kaidan? 

_God._ This way, maybe he could take the frustration out in the snow. There was bound to be something that needed shooting down there, no matter what the scans said.

Aedan stuck her head out of the door. Kaidan was chatting with Emerson as the latter grabbed a predrop snack. “LT, can you come in here for a minute before you suit up. Need to discuss something from HQ.” 

“Ma’am.” He slid the carafe back into its holder. 

Emerson called out, “We’ve got four good potential locations marked on the heads up, Commander.”

“Sounds good, Gunny. We’ll be down to the bay in fifteen.” 

Her door cycled a few seconds later. He’d brought her a vacuum sealed mug of coffee. “You’re out of chocolate.”

“Yeah, I didn’t restock last time we hit turfside.” She swallowed and started, “Hey, I need to…” Just as he set the mug down, pushing aside her pile of datapads. 

“The Asari do chocolate, you should have Liara…”

“Ah. Nah. Asari chocolates are too rich for my credit chit.” She caught his eyes finally and something in her gaze seemed to bring him to attention. “ Kaidan, Hackett wants to reassign you.”

Kaidan's eyebrows scrunched and she resisted a wild stray urge to press a kiss between them, waiting for him to process.

“Wait. What?”

She squared her jaw and continued, “He’s got some...there are plans for you. I mean, it’s not just you, but…”

“I’ve got plans for me. They involve the Normandy and you.”

“Uh huh.” She raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t resign and not tell me did you? Gonna give up the Marines?”

“No, of course not.” he snapped, swinging around to stare at the improvised chart she had stuck to the wall, pinpointing Geth locations and counterpoints of Prothean sites. A month of their lives in pencil scratch. 

She snorted inelegantly, “Then, heads up Lieutenant. You _know_ better. Look...you...you know how I feel but…”

Kaidan rounded back on her. “No, I don’t exactly know how you feel, Shepard. I don’t. Why don’t you fill me in?”

Aedan raised one hand to her forehead and the other flung out, in exasperation. “Kaidan, I’m in a bad position here! What the hell are you going to do, give up your career to carry my purse?”

“Is that what you think I do?” He bit off, incredulous and hurt 

“ _NO_! Fuck. No. God, I just told Hackett what a brilliant Marine you are. How goddamn necessary you are. To the Normandy.” 

“Then why _the hell_ are you trying to get rid of me?”

She scrubbed her face with her hands. “Because I can see how this is going to go, what the Council is going to force me to do. Are you going to mutiny again with me? Next time I have to dash across the galaxy in a stolen ship? I don’t even want to take the rest of the crew into that much less you, we just barely scraped by last time.”

“Maybe that’s not your choice.” He was just keeping a lid on his volume, a growl in the words.

“Yeah, but it is. I’m still your CO. I love you. Why would I let you destroy what you worked so hard for?” Kaidan had squared off, somewhat aggressively but the noise he made was soft and sudden like she’d slugged him in the gut.

“You wanna say that again?” 

She stared at him. “I…”

“Yeah?” The smile on his face wasn’t exactly happy. “Silver-tongued Commander Shepard, hunh?” 

“It doesn’t change the fact that if you can’t follow orders or I can’t give them, we are in fucking trouble.”

He’d closed the distance between them in a stride. “Have I ever _not_ followed an order in the field, Shepard?”

She scoffed, “I’m not sure what you'd call this?”

“That’s business.” 

“Kaidan...”

He grabbed the hand she'd put between them and pulled her forward.

“This is something else.” He didn’t even check for her barriers this time, frustration clear in his speed. He brought his mouth down on hers as he lifted her chin up, so hard their teeth clicked. She grunted, opening up to curl her tongue around his, thrust her fingers into the softly crisp curl of his hair. 

They clung to the kiss for a moment, the first in weeks. Minutes ticked, nothing but their breath and the soft sounds of their lips in the quiet under the rush of engines.

“Say it, again.” as he dragged his lips to her ear with a ragged edge to his voice, making her shiver from the faint scrape of his late afternoon stubble. “Because, Aedan, I love you and I need to know what you feel if you’re going to throw me off the ship.” 

She slid her hands from where they’d twined around his neck, down to his chest before she pushed away. He went but not so far she couldn't drop the top of her head against his chest as he slid his hands up her arms to hold her hands against him. “I’m not throwing you off the ship, Kaidan.’ She huffed a laugh at his grumble and nodded. “I think I do.” She murmured quietly, before she looked up at him, setting back on her own feet. “I think I really do. But…” She pulled a hand away and rubbed her face, again, where the skin felt tender, now.

“But?” The resignation in his voice strummed painfully in her heart and she bit back against it, letting Commander Shepard back into the conversation.

“But even if you can do this and never miss a beat on the field, I’m not sure I can. There’ll be another Virmire.” His face froze at the name but she plowed on, steel in her voice. “We’re headed into a war and I’m clear in my head on that one but next time? When it’s one of the new kids and not Ash? Will I pick you because that’s the mission or will I pick you because it’s you? Why the fuck would I do that to us? To you?” Her hand fisted against his chest as if to push him away.

He didn’t let her back off, though. “If we’re headed into a war I want to be in it with you. Beside you. You can do this, but you can’t do it alone.”

“We aren’t there, yet. Whatever we did to Sovereign, we clearly bought some time. Maybe decades. I don’t know and I can’t find out if I’m worried every five minutes that I’m screwing you and Addison and Prang and the rest of the crew over. They’re going to pass you _over_ , Kaidan, if you stay with me. Hackett as much as said so. Why would I let that happen?” She thumped his chest and he wrapped his hand around it, rubbing warmth into her cold fingers.

“You’re going to...what, you’re going to try and do this without anyone? Lone Human Spectre, rogue against the Galaxy?” Sarcasm dripped and laid his disapproval clear.

“No? I don’t know. I guess, I could go back to what I used to do before Anderson collared me for the Normandy. Bounce from crew to crew and fill in while I put more of the pieces together.” It was easier, if it was just a crew. Not a family.

“That’s worse. How could you trust people to have your back, if they aren’t _your_ people? Look at Emerson and Bakari. I’m not sure they aren’t writing us up every time we bring up Reapers.”

“Leave the paranoia to me. I can trust the Alliance to back me up,” she answered firmly.

Kaidan shook his head at her, “I know you’ve got faith in the service and I know you can motivate people, but Aedan, you’ve got to be realistic. They are clearly trying to bury this and you with it.”

“Hackett said...look, he insinuated that he’s willing to let the status quo go, I’m a Spectre and I get the Normandy so long as whenever the Alliance needs me, I haul ass to do whatever job they need done. Pressley’s on retirement track, Adams knows the ship, Joker’s only gonna leave until we peel his dead fingers from the stick. But the rest of you? I have to be willing to take on new crew whenever and let go of the good ones.” She patted his chest, more gently, leaving little doubt where she placed him.

Kaidan knew hierarchy regs almost as well as she did. “You aren’t supposed to tell me this are you?” He reached out and rubbed the tension line running between her eyebrows. The twisted smile answered him before she could.

“Ten years I’ve been solid, keeping my nose clean but there goes another regulation I’ve fucked up trying to make this work. I couldn’t just let you find out from a briefing.” 

“Well, I appreciate that, I guess.” She sank back into his arms when he pulled her in and sighed, resigned. “I know you're right. I know we can't go on like this but -when?”

“I sent off the report a week ago. I’m expecting new orders by the time we finish sweeping the Amada system.” She sighed and patted his stomach with her free hand. “Emerson’s waiting, Kaidan. Go suit up. We’ll...maybe we’ll get some time with reassignment.” He held onto her other hand until the last minute before the door cycled.

The incoming message had been blinking as she turned away from her armor locker after she’d finished tightening her gauntlet and she’d clicked it, absently.

HQ address. Hackett hadn’t been kidding, they must have been chomping at the bit. **Per your report, schedule for reassignment: Alenko, Chase, Grenado** She tapped her helmet against her hip, half tempted to delete the damned message. _Gosh, just never got it, Admiral. Report? Nah, I never sent a report. Must’ve been some other, dumber Commander Shepard angling for you to shred her crew._

“PROXIMITY ALERT!” 

The ship’s VI rang out and Shepard stumbled as Joker pulled Normandy into a dive that the inertial dampers strained to keep up with, the engines growling beneath her feet.

Comms clicked and Joker was shouting behind Pressly calling out “All hands brace…”

Shrieking, the alarm sliced through her fog, just in time for her to brace for the impact of… _what was that it wasn’t a geth laser array the pitch was wrong_. Aedan felt the Normandy shudder and Pressly cut off in mid sentence, “Abandon…”.

She stepped out of the cabin into hell. Flames licked up the interior of the deck panelling, and a fug of smoke and electrical haze forced her to shove her helmet into place and hit the seals. 

The fire suppressor was offline. Shepard made a dash for the cubby they kept fire gear in, yanking out an extinguisher to cut through to the watch crew sleeping in pods. 

She almost felt Kaidan before he’d barreled in from the elevator side, to halt in front of her, yanking out another extinguisher. A swirl of blue, calm in the center of chaos just like she’d told Hackett. 

God, she really did love him.

“Normandy is coming apart. Get everyone off and get to the lifepods.” She ordered. “Go!” Shepard shouted at the groggy ensign stumbling out of the first sleeper and their shoulders squared as they opened the hatch to the escape pods. She could see them taking account of supplies through the fog sent up by the extinguishers. 

“Did they get the emergency beacon sent?” 

“Hope so, or the Alliance is going to find nothing but some frozen corpses by the time they track us.”

Kaidan sprayed the path clear as the rest of the shaken watch crew filed past and then paused to listen to the private comm, “Joker’s still in the cockpit. I’m not leaving either.” 

Aedan froze mentally even as her body continued her work, guiding the next crewman to safety. Joker wouldn't let the Normandy go down without a fight. He wouldn't leave anyone wounded, either. And there wasn't any way he could help. Especially if... _fuck_

“Like hell you aren't, you’ve got crew to account for.” She pushed Waabari’s shoulder, hurrying her up. She was the last. 

"Commander!" Aedan turned to see Doctor Chakwas behind her, Liara cradled against her with a dark purple bruise blooming on her temple, just as Kaidan called out.

“Shepard!”

She ignored the ragged edge of Kaidan’s voice, grabbing Liara from her. “Hey, Doc. We gotta go.” She pushed the doctor towards Kaidan who dropped his extinguisher and opened the next escape pod, guiding Chakwas to her seat. She'd just passed Liara into his reaching grasp when the shriek of tearing metal started shearing through the air.

Another laser sweep. _Not a laser, sound’s wrong_

Joker called a brace for impact as he swung the Normandy back and forth, trying to shake the target lock. Inertial dampers struggling as the ship pirouetted. The deck below them lurched, a wave of sound buffeting them as the next explosion wrenched support beams free. Normandy’s systems fought to maintain equilibrium, but the gravity was just barely keeping on. _Gogogogogo_

Kaidan was hanging on to the strut and Aedan felt her heart stop at the breach half a foot from his head. She could see Alchera looming way too close to port. Closer than the asteroid had hung over Terra Nova _fuck how close are we_ The emergency shielding had held, shuddering blue as debris skittered across it. 

“Aedan!”

She rounded on him as he reached across the space. “Fucking _listen to orders_ , Lieutenant! Mind the crew, check the deck below and get your ass off the ship! I’ll haul Joker’s dumbass to a pod.” 

Aedan paused for just a second, fixing him in her gaze, willing him to listen. Wished for a second she could see his eyes through the new Phoenix helmet. She took a breath, fighting with herself not to reach back for him.

His “Aye, ma’am,” was soft in her comm as she spun back on her heel towards the stairs across the burning deck and didn’t look back. She barreled forward, another explosion showering her in sparks and suppression foam sending her careening to the portside flight.

The door opened into empty space. CIC was...gone. _Oh, my poor girl_

No chance to save her. Nothing to do now but make sure her pilot didn’t die from stupid. The emergency bridge pod still looked intact, thank god. She glanced at the body pinned between twisted metal, only just visible to identify. Chase. A decent burial would have to wait. She’d have to write a letter to Addy’s mom, tell her about the promotion she'd been up for. How many letters, this time? Pressly had been in the cockpit with Joker, but she couldn't see him, now.

She had to tread carefully. No one sprinted in mag boots and some of the decking was no longer attached. A piece lifted off the far edge and as she watched it out of the corner of her eye, she could see pods peeling off, starboard then portside. A couple of them veering wildly as the ship skewed. _Kaidan_.

Oh, god what had she said? Had she just? _Jesus, she’d thrown him off the ship._ She focused her eyes on the flicker of the emergency shield in front of her; she could just see Joker through the distortion, hands flying as he tried to get them clear of...what? What had hit them? She did a quick scan of the open field of stars portside but all she could see was debris. 

Just a few more steps.

The damage...was it a Reaper? Another Sovereign? _Can’t do anything right now, keep walking. Keep walking, apologize to Kaidan as soon as you get Joker safe. Tell him, kisses on deck, who cares the Normandy’s gone anyway what are they gonna do throw you in a brig you lost your ship how many crew_

Just a few more steps. She could hear her breath in her ears, her heartbeat and used the feedback to calm her own burgeoning panic. The emergency shield sizzled as it crossed her armor.

“Joker, we gotta go!” 

“Commander, I can save her!” 

“No, you can’t.” Aedan pulled at the first buckle of his safety harness, “Jeff, I get it, you know I do, but she’s gone. Let me get you out of here.”

“Shepard...” She could hear his heart break. It was a few precious seconds before his hands fell to unclasp his harness. “I...don't have my crutches. They're..."

Gone. "Yeah, Joker. I know, I got you."

"Okay...ow, watch the arm.” He swore at her as she felt the ulna go under her grip but the dreadnought - _Reaper?_ \- whatever it was was still out there. She’d apologize to him, too. Later. When he was safe. Chakwas could fix a broken arm. Spacing was not quite as easy to walk back from.

“Did you see what it…” She pushed him into the ‘pod and saw his green eyes go huge at something behind her. ”What?!” Aedan spun to her left just before a glowing yellow beam sliced between them.

Joker was screaming in her comms as she slammed her fist against the pod release.


End file.
